The Tyranny of Positive Thinking

It's always there, in the back of my mind. Although I've been breast cancer free for 1 and 1/2 years, deep in the recesses of my mind is the thought that it may come back. In my case there is a very good chance of recurrence within the first 4 years. I did all I can do medically with the best professional team I could find, and now I continue to take care of myself with diet, exercise and ways to try to reduce that risk, but lurking just beneath the surface the threat remains. Even after the initial devastation of surgery and treatment, having cancer is painful and exhausting. Some concerned persons are anxious to see me return to my old self, not realizing there is no way to go back to my pre-cancer self. One is never the same again. And it is a matter of biology whether the breast cancer returns or not. Either the chemotherapy worked or it didn't.

There is nothing more annoying than some well-meaning, but totally ignorant person, whether parent or sibling, lover or friend, telling me all I need to do to be "cured" is to exhibit a positive attitude and pray to god. That may make them feel better, but no amount of positive thinking on my part or prayer by entire congregations will change anything that's already happened or alter the outcome. Again, the treatment worked or it didn't. It is, however, possible to buy time with medical treatment and a healthy post treatment lifestyle; possible, but no guarantee. If, as a post-treatment cancer survivor, I am doing that, then I am already exhibiting an extremely positive attitude. Some days are better than others when there are side-effects from treatment to manage or adjust to for years or even permanently. So to expect me to accommodate and take care of others by denying my own reality with a chirpy "positive" attitude and prayers of thanks for a complete healing that may or may not have occurred is, in my opinion, abusive. It may make others who say they care feel better if I never talk about it, but it may also prove fatal to myself if I am not aware of how I am really feeling and available for follow-up medical monitoring. It will occasionaly come up in a conversation because it is such a huge reference point in my life, part of my experience, and very physical existence. Believe me, no one would be happier if I could turn back time and make it all go away.

My Visual Journal

Surviving Breast Cancer

This picture was taken in October. I look great, all things considered! Alive is good. My hair is finally growing back. Before BC it was long dark brown to the middle of my back, but after surgery and chemotherapy these last 10 months, I'll happily settle for short, pure white fuzz! The problem with breast cancer is that recovery is not like getting over the flu. You don't just stop chemotherapy and are instantly well. I wish that were so, but it's not. Getting back into my studio without health and medical interuptions and distractions, and re-starting my online sales, especially during the recent economic events, is proving very difficult, adding tremendouly to a very precarious and stressful existance. Read my story on my Breast Cancer Journal. Contribute to my Recovery effort, if you can. Any amount is appreciated! Need a gift for someone this holiday season? Check out my website.

Loyalty of the Mind

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Life after chemotherapy sometimes demands a new approach.

Original Paintings available here. New Works!